Useless

I thought I had been through a lot of hard things in my life, but this last weekend during our Memorial trip to Moab I had the scariest, hardest one ever!

Last year we went with just adult friends, this year we decided to take the kids. We were having a great time. Friday was a hot beautiful day and Saturday looked like it was going to be the same. We were all going river rafting. I thought I was in great shape, a lot stronger than I've ever been...I was sooo wrong about everything!

We were having fun with the kids. We made it down about half way, when we went over some big rapids and Amos fell in the water. I felt the raft start to tip and I didn't know what to do, but it leveled out again. I looked back to tell Amos that we were lucky, little did I know that the reason it leveled off was that he was no longer in it with us.

I started panicking! I couldn't stop the raft! There was nothing to hold on to! The river kept taking us! At first we couldn't see him. He was under water. The kids were screaming. I started yelling trying to get Rusty's attention (he was in a raft not too far in front of us). I was hoping he could help me, but he couldn't hear me over the water noise. Finally I saw Amos come up, but there was nothing I could do! I tried to get to the back of the raft and hand him the paddle, but I wasn't fast enough.

I was finally able to get Rusty's attention. He stopped and a few seconds later I was able to hold onto a branch and stop my raft. Cam and Izzy were crying and yelling for their dad. I was doing my best to stay calm, but I had no idea what the end to this ordeal was going to be.

We couldn't see him. I had no idea if he was ok. I was terrified! Cam and Izzy kept asking me what they were going to do without a dad. I kept telling them that everything was going to be ok.

A few rafts went by. I asked them if they saw Amos and they said no. I was starting to get really worried. In the mean time another raft capsized in the same spot Amos fell off. I watched this girl go under water 3 times before she was able to get out to a rock ledge. I was really hoping Amos had gotten out too!

After what it seemed like an eternity, but really only an hour, Amos finally came floating down the river holding on to a log. He told me that he thought that was it for him! He was swimming as hard as he could, but wasn't moving. Somehow he managed to hold his breath the whole time and get out of the water. Rusty was finally able to see him and tell him the only way out was to jump back in. While he was trying to work up the courage to jump, this huge log came floating right by him. He knew that was his chance! He held on and it all worked out. The log took him down the river to exactly where I was with the kids.

I have never felt so helpless and useless in my life! All I could think was that maybe if I was stronger I could have helped him steer the raft. So many things went through my mind!

When we got off the raft, the adrenaline rush was gone and I was ready for a meltdown. I hugged Amos and thanked God for sparing his life. Then, of course, I had to call my mom and cry, away from the kids and everybody. The strong Erika was gone, the tears rolled down my face, and I was so thankful everything turned out ok.